Social Anxiety

Today I went to the store. Just my two boys and me. My stomach was in knots as we pulled up but I HAD to do this. We needed food.

 I always park far away from the store for a few reasons. One: I'm healthy. Other people like the elderly, pregnant, grieving, and those with  varying types of illnesses need the closer spots more than I do. You never know what someone is going through. Plus, it's more exercise, and Drew likes to count the cars we pass on the way in. Two: I want to avoid tons of people and be able to pull out without stressing about hitting anyone or possibly having to talk to someone. 

I always sit in the car a minute and give myself a pep talk. Deep breaths and positive thoughts. We head in and we start shopping. I already want to go home. 

I always have a route planned in the store so we can get what we need and get the heck out of there. It irritates me to forget something and have to go back to a spot I had already been. My anxiety tells me people will think I'm suspicious or crazy. 

While in the cereal isle, Ben spots a box of his favorite cereal and reaches out to touch it. He knocks half the shelf off in the process. My face is beet red, and I quickly pick them up. My hands are shaking. I take a deep breath and keep going, but I can't seem to laugh it off. It replays over and over in my head. Which is incredibly irritating. At least no one threw a tantrum. That is worse. 

I head to the check out line, ready to just get it over with. If I can, I use the self check out (because there is no one to make painfully awkward small talk with), but it is usually packed, which makes me even more nervous, so I pick a short line and wait. I try to smile at the cashier and my hands shake. At this point my heart is beating fast. I start mumbling positive words to myself and I know I look funny but I'm trying to keep myself calm. Almost done... Almost done... 

I finally get everything bagged and paid for, and I walk quickly to the exit. Tears start to fall down my cheeks. That was close. If I start crying in the store it usually leads to a panic attack and then I have to abandon the cart and grab the boys before anyone sees. But I made it. I take deep breaths on my long walk back to my car. I feel like I've been holding my breath the whole time. 

I get everyone and everything loaded in the car. On the drive home I am mentally beating myself up. I feel very stupid. Why can't I shop by myself like a normal person? My stomach aches, and I am completely exhausted. But so thankful it's over. 

I know not everyone's social anxiety is this way, but this is how it is for me. I've started randomly crying or having a panic attack in several public places. A Halloween party last year was especially bad. Church, visiting friends, birthday parties, visiting my husband at his job, while at work, family parties, etc. Some days it doesn't bother me and I do great! Other days it is crippling and so hard. Which is why I don't go many places by myself unless someone I trust is with me. 

Which is why I'm about to see a doctor to get on medication to help me. I'm really excited to get better and be able to do things without anxiety controlling so much of my life. I know I won't be cured and will still have hard days. But I at least want it to be under control so I can function as normally as possible. 

Repeat The Feat

My boys and I had the opportunity to participate in an awesome program called Repeat the Feat.

The deal is they send you a free shirt ($1 shipping) in exchange for you taking your children to do some kind of service in your local community while wearing the shirts, taking a picture, and posting it on social media to help spread the word! 

We decided to take the boys to the bike trail behind my parent's house to pick up trash. 

It is such a beautiful trail! We found quite a few candy wrappers and water bottles and soda cans. 

The boys quickly caught on to the idea and loved helping out! 

We made sure my little ones stayed hydrated (it was sweltering!) and made sure the trail was clean and beautiful! 

If you want to participate, you can find everything you need to know HERE! 

Don't forget to follow them on Instagram @repeatthefeat! 

The Climb

I'm back!!

I'm sure everyone on my Facebook will tell you I've been blowing up my feed about this climb. Climb Out of the Darkness is to raise awareness for Postpartum Depression, and I had the honor of being a co-leader for the Ogden climb here in Utah. 

I just wanted to share my thoughts about The Climb and this cause in hopes that more people will climb with us next year.

Postpartum Depression is THE MOST COMMON COMPLICATION IN NEW MOMS. 

I once heard a radio commercial that said everyone knows at least one woman who has had breast cancer. Did you know more women get Postpartum Depression than they get breast cancer? Everyone knows a mom. How many of those moms have suffered depression during or after pregnancy?  

More moms get Postpartum Depression than Gestational Diabetes or preeclampsia. Almost every woman is screened for those things, and almost every mom worries about it. But no one screens you for PPD. Most moms don't even worry about it because, like me, they dont think it will happen to them. But it did happen to me. It happens to too many moms. 

PPD is nothing new. It has been happening to women since Eve. It was once called "Milk Fever" assuming it was the mother's milk that caused their PPD. 

And it's not just about suffering in silence. Mothers are dying. And in too many cases, their children die too.

(Special thanks to Bry Collard for snapping this picture of me climbing with my husband and boys!) 

Every time I hear on the news about mothers harming their children or themselves, everyone calls her a monster. She is a horrible person and should never be able to have children. 

But no one asks about PPD. No one asks if she reached out for help. And if they do, they say, "She should have gotten help. It's her own fault." No one realizes just how difficult it can be to find help. 

How many more women have to die before people stop calling them monsters and start figuring out how to prevent this? 

When someone has a physical illness like cancer or major surgery, everyone gathers to help in any way they can. But when you have a mental illness, you get a pat on the back and a "chin up, buttercup" pep talk, at best. 

We are not monsters. And we are losing too many mothers and children to PPD. And the only way to fix it is to DEMAND better care for moms from our healthcare providers. All of those tragic situations could have been avoided if we had better resources. Which is why we do this climb. 

This year during our climb we walked around a beautiful pond. We carried "burden rocks" until we reached the other side of the pond. 

My burden was guilt. The guilt of not bonding with Drew like I should have. The guilt of all the nights he heard me cry instead of hearing me sing. The guilt of all those smiles I missed. I had him help me throw my burden rock into the pond. So we both let it go together. 

Then we got new rocks. On these, we wrote whatever we needed. Whatever inspired us, a goal, peace, hope, etc. 

These rocks we kept. To put in our gardens, windows, purse, nightstand, anywhere we could see it and remember. (Excuse the smear, Drew wanted to hold it before it was fully dry.) 

The point is, we are not alone. And we are trying to make a difference. We climbed for ourselves, for our loved ones, and for all those moms who lost their battles to PPD. I have no doubt those moms were with us in spirit. 

** A special thanks to our awesome photographer who volunteered her time and talent to take pictures for us! Check her out on Facebook, I'm a HUGE fan of her work!! https://www.facebook.com/BirthStoriesByKelleyAnderson

Self-Care is Not Selfish

I have a super sick baby at my house today so I'm just sharing a thought today.

I recently read about a mom who has battled postpartum depression. She was sharing her story and she wrote a phrase that really stuck out to me. 

"Self-care is NOT selfish." 

I know as mothers, we all too often put others needs before our own. And sometimes we get so busy, we forget to be kind to ourselves. 

These days, the pressure of being a new mom is incredibly hard. You are almost expected to "bounce back" to your pre-pregnancy body as soon as possible, keep up with the house, make dinners, care for a tiny human who needs your constant attention every two hours around the clock, all while trying to heal from having a baby! You're exhausted on a whole new level, hungry (breastfeeding hunger is insane), and you are beyond sore.

But what about you? Adjusting to life as a new mom can be hard. It is so important to address your needs. Physically getting all the rest you need, not overwhelming yourself with chores and meals, and just letting yourself bond with your new little baby instead of stressing about your weight or how you look. 

The same concept applies when your baby is older. Make sure you are taking time for yourself. Exercising, crafting, reading, whatever it is that makes you happy. If you're not caring for yourself, how can you be expected to care for everyone else? 

It is not selfish. It is necessary to not just survive motherhood, but thrive in it. 

Don't forget that you are important too. You matter too. 

One In Seven

I am one in seven.

I am that one in a group of seven mothers that has experienced postpartum depression.

While those other moms were easing into motherhood so gracefully, I was the one who wouldn't even look at my baby when I fed him. 

 I cried endlessly. I felt hopeless, restless, and rage like I have never experienced. It was a kind of darkness that was so real, I felt as if I could reach out and touch it. It was heavy, and hard. 

I tried to hide it and pretend I was ok. But the longer I hid it the worse it got. 

I just felt completely off. 

(If you think you might be suffering from PPD, check out this great Postpartum Depression checklist HERE.) 

But the moment I opened up about my condition on facebook, I was so surprised at the number of women who told me they had PPD too. And knowing I wasn't alone was my final push for me to get some help.

So why didn't anyone tell me? 

Why didn't my doctor talk to me about postpartum anxiety? Or postpartum psychosis? I didn't even know it was a real thing. 

Why didn't anyone warn me about the dark side that can accompany motherhood? 

One in seven seems like such a high number. So why does PPD feel so lonely? 

(Awesome shirt made by Designs by Dee!) 

What would have happened to 

me if I had kept it to myself? I thought I was a monster. I thought my husband and son were better off without me. 

The moment I went to my doctor I was treated very well right away. They took me seriously. They called to see how I was doing. A few of the nurses even told me there own experiences with PPD. 

If I had know then what I know now, I wouldn't have tried to hide it. I wouldn't have suffered and made my family suffer for so long. Because it does affect your family. 

It is also important to know that going to see your doctor doesn't mean you'll get better right away. The recovery can take months and even years. The important thing is that it is being addressed and you are being heard and cared for. 

Depression for anyone is usually lonely. But you're not alone. Why is that? 

One friend who has battled depression for years recently explained it to me very well.

"We feel isolated in our own brains. Most forms of depression are chemical imbalances. So it the deficiency makes us feel small. Which makes us feel unimportant and alone." 

I think feeling alone is one of the scariest, most empty feelings. And that is why I choose to speak up about my experience with PPD. I don't want another mom to have to go through what I did. Those who are struggling at least need to know that they are not alone. PPD is SO common, but it is rarely spoken of. 

Growing up I had multiple friends that struggled with depression as teenagers that carried into adulthood. My experience was short compared to the years they have spent fighting depression. I can't imagine the years of isolation and loneliness they must have felt. Depression is something hard to understand unless you have been through it yourself. 

My mom once described depression as cancer of the mind. It's an invisible illness that affects your whole life. 

We cannot fight the negative stigma of mental illness if we stay silent. Which is why I joined The Climb. I want to help improve postpartum care, PPD awareness, and the overall stigma on mental illness. If you are currtenly suffering, a survivor, in recovery, or want to support someone you know suffering, you can join The Climb here. 

Surviving Hyperemesis Gravidarum

May 15th (today) is HG awareness day.

I know they have awareness days for everything. But this one is especially important to me and to my family. I am especially writing this in honor of those mothers and precious babies who did not survive HG. And I pray that one day we will find a cause and a cure. 

A dear friend recently suggested writing a "survival guide" to HG. I love the idea, and as I though about it, read about it and talked with other survivors about it, I came up with a few key survival tips I want to share. 

1 in 7 mothers with HG end their pregnancy in abortion. 80% of women experience morning sickness, but only 2% of those women experience HG. It is so severe that it becomes life threatening for the mother and child, and is completely unbearable. It is draining, both physically and emotionally. 

The most common symptoms of HG are: 

• Constant violent vomiting

• Not being able to hold down any foods or liquids

• Severe dehydration requiring IV fluids and medication 

• hospitalization due to dehydration 

• Weightloss of 5% or more of your body weight 

• Malnutrition 

Tip #1. 

Find a good doctor. If your doctor is not listening to you, or not providing proper care, you NEED to find one that will. This is key because proper care can make all the difference in your experience and in the overall health of you and your baby. HelpHER.org has a list of good HG doctors in cities all over the country. 

I'm positive that if I didn't have such a great doctor who not only listened but understood what was happening and knew how to treat it, we would have lost Benjamin before I was even 10 weeks along. 

Tip #2. 

Build a good support system. I cannot imagine going through HG alone. Having friends and family who support you, help you, and listen to you on those hard days are SO important for your mental health. Being so sick can be frustrating and depressing. It's important to reach out to those who support you most and keep them close. 

I know we are often met with friends and family who think it can be cured with crackers and ginger. Some even go as far as accusing us of making it all up. My best advice for this is to not subject yourself to that. Send them the link to HelpHER.org, have a talk with them, do whatever you need to, but don't listen to them for one minute. Being that sick is hard enough. It's worse when those close to you bring negative thoughts and feelings. 

There are actually several HG support groups on Facebook that I found extremely helpful. It's nice to talk to someone who truly gets it. It's hard to understand HG until you have had it yourself. And it's nice to compare PICC line scars and discuss Zofran pumps and vomit stories. They just get it. And for some women, that is all the support they have. 

Tip #3. 

Listen to your body. If you even think that you might need to go in for an IV, GO! I once was so dehydrated I didn't pee for 24 hours. I was way past the point I needed IV fluids. I promise that even if you are only a little dehydrated, getting fluids in you will help you feel so much better. 

Don't be afraid to take medication, especially if it is going to save your life and your baby's life.

 Rest. Don't over do it or you could trigger more vomiting. 

Tip #4. 

If you have had an HG pregnancy in the past, and are planning to have another baby, I highly recommend planning ahead before you get pregnant. Make freezer meals, invest in plastic bowls, plates and utensils, arrange emergency childcare for any older children, arrange for some help with the housework, and come up with a treatment plan with your doctor. 

Tip #5. 

ASK FOR AND ACCEPT HELP! Don't wait until you are already frustrated and angry to ask for help. Don't turn down help when you know you need it. HG is a long and hard road. You are going to need help at some point, and that is ok. No one wants you to do the dishes when you are puking your guts out anyway. 

Tip #6.

Remember, it is all worth it. It is literally 9 months of hell for a lifetime of happiness. You are not alone. 

Diastasis Recti

Happy F-R-I-D-A-Y!!! Today I'm giving an important fitness tip that every mother needs to be aware of!

I remember Tyler kissing me as he took our new born son, Benjamin, to have his very first bath. I had just had him two hours before and we spent those two hours doing skin-to-skin and nursing. I was starving and exhausted.

My sweet nurse was moving me into my recovery room. She cleared her throat and timidly said, "I don't know if you know, but it seems that you have developed a diastasis recti split. Have you heard of that? It's when your stomach muscles separate during pregnancy. You might want to look up exercises on how to fix it." 

I am so thankful to that nurse for telling me. I would have never known if she hadn't said something, and then I would be so confused as to why my "mommy pouch" wasn't going away. 

I know a lot of moms work so hard to lose all the weight and do all the sit-ups, but still have a bulge or pouch on their belly. But most of them don't know that they have diastasis recti, and that doing regular and intense ab work outs like sit-ups actually make it worse.  

**It happens most often in moms who carry twins, moms with large babies, or moms who were on the smaller side pre-pregnancy. I did not have this with my first baby, only my second! 

How do you know if you have Diastasis Recti? 

Lie flat on your back with your knees up. 

Lift your head up as if looking at your belly button, so that your stomach muscles tighten. 

Place a few fingers right above your belly button and gently press down. If you have Diastasis Recti, you will feel a wide gap and be able to stick a few fingers in there. 

(If you're still confused, watch this video here) 

When I first checked my split, it was two and a half fingers wide. (One woman I talked to said she could fit her fist in her gap!) Now, one year postpartum, I am down to one tight finger space. I'll admit, I haven't been as diligent on my exercises as I should have. But finding time or energy after chasing around two kids under two is rare. But this year is my goal to fix it completely. 

The picture above is me today. I never took a "before" picture because I was so embarrassed about my "mommy pouch" that I didn't want to see it. But it used to look way worse than this. Like I said, my split is a lot smaller now. It's still there, and I still have a long way to go. But this is so much 

better than it used to be. 

By the way, you CAN fix it without surgery. (And without expensive magic wraps that only give you temporary results. But that's another story for another post!) How? Simple core workouts that don't put intense strain on your abs. Instead, do work outs that are going to pull those muscles back together.

I found a ton of great and simple work outs that fix Diastasis Recti on Pinterest, and on YouTube. The key is to do them often and DON'T attempt to do sit ups or anything like that until your split has healed. I like to follow this video Here. 

If you have any questions please don't be afraid to ask your doctor!!