Before I had my first baby, I honestly thought that depression was something that could be cured with a brisk walk, some inspirational quotes or good religion, and some laughter. I thought that moms who got PPD were just missing their old life and being big babies about it. It would never happen to me. I was a pretty happy person, and I was excited to be a mom! All my life all I ever wanted was to be a mom. I was just so sure I would be amazing at it.
Before we left the hospital I remember they had me watch a video on basic baby care and what to expect for my postpartum recovery. They did mention PPD, but it seriously was no more than a thirteen second spill about how if you are not feeling yourself after two week then you need to see your doctor. That was IT.
Why didn't anyone say anything? Why didn't anyone tell me how common it was? Why didn't anyone tell me that PPD doesn't just include depression and sadness? Why didn't anyone mention Postpartum Anxiety or Postpartum OCD? Why didn't anyone warn me? The moment I opened up about my PPD, I had several moms I had known my whole life tell me their stories and reassure me it was OK. But why didn't they ever mention it before? What if I had just kept it to myself and suffered in silence? I felt so completely alone until I opened up about what I was going through. In fact, that is why I put off getting help. I felt like a complete freak. I was mentally ill and I knew it. I was embarrassed and so frustrated that I couldn't just get it under control by myself. All the other moms I knew seemed to be doing just dandy. Why was I struggling so much, and they were easing into motherhood so gracefully?
Because things like this are all too often kept quiet. No one wants to hear or see the dark side that can come with motherhood. Because no one wants to admit they have a problem, a mental illness. Because moms are
afraid of what people will think. They are afraid of being judged. They are afraid they might have their children taken away. They want to get better. They want to be themselves again, but because our society frowns upon mental illness, we don't want to be labeled as "crazy." They feel guilty because they feel like they failed, when in reality PPD is beyond control. It is no one's fault.
This is a picture of me shortly after having my son. I look happy. I was good at pretending to be happy. But I
knew something wasn't right. Drew had latching problems, and according to everything I read on the internet, he HAD to get my breastmilk or I was a bad and lazy mom. I stayed up all night pumping, feeding, burping, pumping, feeding, burping. Oh, I was beyond exhausted. I started to resent pumping, but I felt like it was the only thing I was doing right. I became angry at everyone. My husband, myself, my baby. Everyone. My mental health suffered incredibly. But "breast is best" and no one seemed to care how I was doing. All that mattered was that he was getting my milk.
Long story short, I was fully ready to attempt suicide. I had several ways planned out. And this part is extremely hard for me to admit, because I have several friends and family that view suicide as "selfish." I would like to tell you all right now that when I was in this dark place,
I was not myself. I was not thinking clearly at all. I had all of these horrible, dark, and very scary thoughts flying at me all the time. I honestly felt like my mind was in a fog. I felt like I was crazy. I wasn't thinking of being selfish. I wasn't really thinking at all. My mind was sick. In my head, it made sense that my husband and child were better off without me. Now I realize how crazy that sounds. It was not a conscious thought. And the moment I realized just how bad these thoughts were, I finally went in for help. So before you label someone as "selfish" please remember that they are probably not thinking clearly. Depression is like cancer of the mind. In the words of my mom, they don't die of suicide. They die of sadness.
I keep thinking of all the things I wish I knew about PPD before I had my baby. I decided to source some amazing women who are currently battling PPD, and they gave me some amazing answers. I would like to thank each and every one of them for contributing to this post. You are all amazing and I wish all of you a safe journey to recovery.
Things I wish I knew about PPD... From real PPD mothers.
"Postpartum Depression can happen anytime within the first year of having your baby. I see a lot of moms skeptical of admitting they have PPD when their baby is 7 months old. Yes, you CAN get PPD that late in the game. PPD can even happen after a miscarriage or stillbirth."
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I just wish there were better resources for women with PPD. I spent the first few weeks scouring the Internet for resources, psychiatrists in my area and found none. Postpartum International is a great resource, but not for women who live in remote or rural areas. There were no resources listed for my area. In the end, the best action plan for me was hospitalization. I also had a great OB (thank God!). I wish someone would make, like, an action plan that anyone can follow to treat their PPD. Like, talk to this person and if that doesn't work, do this. I felt like I was lost at sea, just trying to save my life Thank God I found the right path, but it wasn't easy to find the right help."
"The anger that comes with it. I always thought PPD was being sad. I didn't know it involved anger. It took so much precious time with my son to figure it out."
"I never believed it was real. Once I accepted it was, I wished someone would have told me that it would've taken everything from me, distorting my life. My mind wouldn't be clear and my emotions running rampant. I would've coped and recovered much faster. And especially that it is possible to recover. At my own pace."
"My husband says he wished someone would've told him how easy/quick it is to relapse from a trigger, no matter how far you get in your recovery."
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That it can show up as PPA (postpartum anxiety) or OCD. I always thought it was just sadness, lack of feeling for baby, etc. I didn't know it could also be anxiety, intrusive thoughts, insomnia, etc."
"I didn't realize that one of the signs was brain fog and that you could wear your self out trying to do everything you normally do, and the PPD would slip right in without any warning."
"It is okay to get help and talk to your doctor regularly after you have your child so that you are aware. I had no idea I had it, I thought everyone around me was just crazy."
"I wish I knew it was anxiety, anger and trust issues."
"For me it was anxiety. ..the guilt of not being able to breastfeed, and having a C-section."
" The anger, the meltdowns, the feeling you want to die, the anger towards people who just want to be helpful." -Kimberly Hobbs
"That having it doesn't make you crazy but unfortunately many people still think so. Pick who you tell or ask wisely (sadly). But it's nothing to be ashamed of. Coming from a culture where you sweep such things under the rug made me feel ridiculed and like an outcast and made it worse. That it can get extremely serious and if you feel "off" at all, get help immediately because it could mean your life. And that even when it does get better, the bonding with your child doesn't happen immediately for some, which makes you feel guilty thus prolonging a vicious cycle. PPD brought the evil out of me to my significant other too. I became violent. So unlike me.."
"I have had depression and anxiety all my life but nothing compared to PPD. Now that I felt it I think I had it with my other kids, like the intrusive thoughts. I had them but would try to quickly make them disappear because I thought I was crazy and if I told anyone about them they would take away my kids. I got lucky nothing serious happened."
"I wish someone would have told me it can negatively affect your relationship.. Possibly lose your spouse like I did. Cause you to possibly become suicidal like I did as well...
I wish I would have been told that it's harder then we are told. That you may end up hating yourself, no matter how much people tell you it's not your fault.
That you could live with a lifetime of regret for becoming a completely different person.. Angry, irritable, frustrated..
I wish someone told me that I would be getting it.. I wish I listened to my doctor. I wish I could go back and make things right so I can have my family back."
"I wish PPD were more openly talked about at routine checkups and staff were better trained to ask questions and recognize the symptoms. I waited so long to get help out of pure fear they would take my baby away."
"I wish someone told me that your normal self will, chances are, not come back after having the baby. After realizing that I had PPD, I was so stuck on trying to get back to normal to feel better that it made my PPD worse. I wish someone would have explained to me that this is the new normal and you have to accept that. Get help. Deal with it however you have to, so you're not having intrusive thoughts or crying all day or however PPD affected you. But becoming a mom, is a life changer in itself and once you accept the fact that your life changed forever, you won't spend so much time trying to get back to what you used to be. For me, it would've helped knowing that and probably would've helped me deal with PPD easier. I could've focused more on feeling even just a little better rather than what I knew as normal and punishing myself for not "bouncing back."
"Rage. Intrusive thoughts. Insomnia. Crippling anxiety attacks. Self confidence disappearing. More than that I wish I knew it was OK to accept help, and seek help. (This is my second round and this time I did seek meds)"
"The loneliness and the isolation. Feeling like you can't relate to anyone or no one cares about you. That you're alone with your kids and that you're a crappy mom for not appreciating them enough."
"I wish I knew that I would have known that this little person was going to brig so many emotions that I never had. That the love that I would have for her was going to be so overwhelming. Not that I could have prepared but at least I would have expected it."
"The self hate that by far the hardest thing I will ever deal with."
"I wish I knew it was tied to Anxiety and it can make it worse, and OCD worse. I wish I was told that you would not feel like your self not because of having a baby, but that you would feel like you lost interest in who you were. That you don't have to have suicidal thoughts. Although I did have a ton of thoughts that something bad would happen to my daughter. Like a lot of fear."
" Inner conflict.... You are supposed to be happy but are so filled with sadness. Guilt for wanting the pregnancy so bad but then feeling incredibly guilty for doing this to yourself and your family."
"That PPD can last for years, and it's normal to have certain feelings. You're not the only mother in the world suffering from PPD."
"When people that notice that you aren't happy say, "Oh, but you should be so happy!"... right. That's why there is a problem."
" That it is real. Sometimes you don't know what's going on but it gets better. And it's okay to ask for help from the people who tell you to ask for help. I.e. your doctor. I was afraid and ashamed but looking back I'm glad I got help. And stand up for yourself if you are like me and don't have family support or understanding."
"That the symptoms of PPD aren't necessarily centred around the stereotypical 'crying all the time', and that healthcare providers who are in contact with a post-partum mom should be more aware of this. It seemed that the only person who knew what I was experiencing was (eventually, after I did my own research upon suspecting that I wasn't feeling 'quite right' and that my usual doctors had perhaps missed something) the psychiatrist - and chances are you wouldn't specifically see the psychiatrist/psychologist unless your GP or gynaecologist suggested it or wrote you a reference!"
"That scary thoughts will happen!! Almost every mom I've talked to, ppd or not, have had horrible thoughts of baby drowning, falling down the stairs, car crashing etc etc. I took those thoughts and believed I was some monster who wanted it to happen. Those thoughts soon turned into deliberately hurting my son and whether or not I was at risk of “snapping" and doing it."
"If someone had warned me about these thoughts it may not have escalated as badly. It is NOT all rainbows and butterflies immediately!!! It's ok if your not immediately “in love," for some the transition into being a mommy is a little harder and that's OK!!!"
(This last one is my favorite.)
"I wish I had been continuously told that asking for help, in any way shape or form, is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength and endurance. To see that you need help, and to ask for it is one of the bravest things a mother can do for her children. To see how much they need you, and to WANT to get better, that is strength. Being a mom is the bravest job in the word. Sometimes we don't feel very brave, sometimes we feel like cowards, but asking for help is not a weakness. As moms we always put their needs above ours, yes they need us to be there, but WE need to feel good. Taking time for ourselves is something to never, ever feel guilty about. Making ourselves feel good matters. You are strong, even when you don't feel it. You are better than you think you are."
I am speaking up about PPD because I wish someone had spoken up to me before I had my son. I wish all of these incredible women did not feel so alone, ashamed and guilty for something they had no control over. Ladies, WE NEEDED HELP. We need to push for awareness so that other new moms wont suffer the same way we did/do! We need to speak out and stand up for our sisters with mental illness! I honestly think that PPD brings you down to your lowest. Well, now I'M BACK. I did not let Postpartum Depression win! And I want to help all the moms I can to get the help they need. Please, please, PLEASE don't be afraid to get help.
You are not alone.
To help me raise awareness, or to learn more about PPD, you can follow me on Instagram @diariesofasupermom.
