Then vs Now

When I wrote up my Post-Birth Plan I had a section that was specifically for doing things that I loved. Things that made me happy. 

The list included things like: 

• learn a new song to sing to the boys

• go to see a movie in theatre (which is a rare treat when you have small children and are poor!) 

• go on walks 

• go somewhere new 

(We went to the dinosaur park.) 

• create something big and fun for our house 

We made this. And we love it but now we have strangers that stand in front of our yard or people that pull over to look at it. 

I didn't do those things the first time around. I was lucky to even write a journal entry. And when I did, it was of things not worth remembering. Those entries are full of anxiety. Thoughts of not being good enough for Andrew or Tyler. 

At one point I wrote, "I'm trapped. I'm being held prisoner in my own mind. And I have no idea how to get out. It's so dark. My thoughts are not my own. HELP ME!" 

I don't feel that darkness now. Not like before. I can tell something is not quite right though. 

For example: A dear friend was looking at my pictures on my phone and said, "You take great pictures! You should be a photographer! I'd pay you!" 

I got excited about the idea. I started to day dream about it and looked into cameras and classes. And then it hit me. Completely out of no where. I burst into tears and had a terrible crying spell. I cried so hard that I puked. It was one of the worst anxiety attacks I have ever had. I hardly ate the next couple of days and I didn't want to take a picture at all. After a few days I was fine. 

A few days later I had another bad anxiety attack, but this time it was because I felt like I wasn't a good mom. Andrew was sick and was calling for Nana and I just lost it. I thought I had lost him for good and that my mom might as well just keep him because I clearly wasn't good enough. That hit me HARD. 

After a priesthood blessing from Tyler and  a reminder that I would probably want to go to my mom too if she'd let me eat all the Oreos I want, I felt a bit better. But that pain stayed with me. I carried it like a weight on my heart. 

It was at that point that Tyler noticed I had lost "the spark in my eyes" as he put it. I didn't want to write, read, craft, sing or go for a walk anymore. We argue more. I now cry over the simplest little things. Even while sticking to my plan for my low days, (like making that sign for our yard- we finished it a week early, hoping that crafting would help boost my spirits.) I can't seem to get back up. It's kind of like feeling yourself lose your mind, but being completely helpless to it. The walls are closing in.

But I think I caught it early enough that it won't turn into that dark, cold place like before. I never want to be in that dark state again. Ever. 

A lot of my dear friends and even strangers have reached out to me after my last post. And it means SO much to me that I'm not alone in this. Even with different problems, any mental disorder is like a cancer of the mind. It is just as serious as any other physical disorder. Mental health is SO important. And I wish it was more normal to speak of instead of being this painful secret. 

Thank you for all the support! I know I can beat it this time. :)