I can't believe Benjamin is almost 8 weeks old already! He is getting big and chubby so fast.
As for me?
I'm doing a lot better than I did during my last recovery. Sticking to my post-birth plan has helped a lot. I still have days where my anxiety is through the roof or I'm just not feeling myself but it doesn't get bad or last very long.
I had the opportunity to talk to my favorite nurse at my OB's office during my 6 week Post Partum check up. And that lead to our long discussion about the things that no one talks about after childbirth.
Before I get into what I learned, I feel prompted to point out that up to 80% of moms experience "baby blues" up to two weeks after giving birth. And that any of those feelings after two weeks is considered Postpartum Depression. Only 10-20% of moms experience PPD.
Postpartum Depression is the most under-diagnosed obstetricial complication in the United States.
Postpartum Depression does not always hit you right away.
It can come on anytime within the first year of having your baby.
It can come on even if you didn't have it with your previous deliveries, no matter how many children you have had.
It can happen to women who have never experienced depression before. (Like myself.)
Mothers who miscarry at any point in pregnancy or have a still-birth can also experience Postpartum Depression.
My nurse and I talked about how things like PPD have only recently come into light. If you had it before it was recognized as an actual condition, you were treated like you were crazy, and possibly shunned, depending on how severe the condition. There was no help. There was no treatment. You just sucked it up and delt with it. If I had lived in that time period, I would have taken my own life when Drew was four months old. (Postpartum Phycosis)
I was surprised to learn just how common PPD is. My nurse said that she wished there were more resources and awareness for PPD because every PPD patient she sees is always embarrassed about it. I know I was. I literally had felt like I had gone crazy. But they acted as if it was the most normal thing. My doctor told me over and over that it was NOT my fault and that I would get through this. Every time I have a trial with pregnancy (like my hyperemesis gravidarum) or PPD he always says, "This too shall pass." I didn't think it would. I felt too far gone. But it did. And now I'm so much better.
I have A LOT of friends who have just recently had children, or are newly pregnant. And I urge all of you, if you even think you MIGHT have PPD, even if it's "not that bad," PLEASE go see your doctor.
You won't become dependent on the pill. You only take it for a little while to balance out your hormones. (I only needed it for two months.) If untreated it could get worse.
And even if it doesn't get worse, there is no reason you and your loved ones should suffer because of a hormonal imbalance. I was bad enough that Tyler and I considered not having any more children after Andrew. It was just as hard on him. He felt so helpless.
I often hear people say, "As long as the baby is healthy, that is all that matters."
No.
A mother's mental health is JUST AS IMPORTANT as a baby's health. And a baby needs a happy momma. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel so guilty because I was so depressed I wouldn't even look at Drew as I fed him his bottle of pumped milk. I remember feeling his big blue eyes on me and I wouldn't look at him. I didn't hate him. I loved him with my whole heart. But I was so depressed I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be his mother. And I will forever regret that.
I definitely look Benjamin in the eyes as much as I can.
Signs of Postpartum Depression are:
•Loss of appetite
•insomnia
•intense irritability and anger
•overwhelming fatigue
•feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
•loss of joy in life
•severe mood swings
•difficulty bonding with your baby
•feelings of hopelessness
•thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
If you have any of these symptoms, please seek help. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's real. And you deserve to feel better. You deserve to be happy.
