After a long night of trying to get Tug to sleep in his crib (he wanted to sleep in his swing or in my arms) I finally gave in at two in the morning and just stuck him in his swing so I could get a few hours of sleep before work. Poor Tyler was already exhausted and I wasn't about to wake him again. Because I was so tired I woke up half an hour late. Using my mad mommy skills I managed to feed Tug, burp him and do my makeup at the same time.
Then I was dropping off Tug at my mom's house before work. I got him out of his car seat to kiss him goodbye when suddenly his acid reflux took over and he spit up all over my black dress pants. After such a crazy night I was ready to cry. But then I looked at his sweet little face. He was grinning right at me. The dimples in his cheeks and those big blue eyes melted my heart, and instead of crying I kissed his fluffy head and told him how much I love him.
I have always wanted a baby with dimples. I remember hearing Angela say cheerfully, "He's got dimples!!!" As she was cleaning Tug after he was born. Those were the magic words and I began to cry, I was so happy. I once heard that dimples were angel kisses. Every time I see Tug smile and those dimples show I can't help but tear up because he is my angel. So innocent, loving and fresh from heaven.
Before I became a mom I had this image imprinted in my mind of what a good mom looked like. In my mind the perfect mother was pretty much Super Mom. She was always pretty and presentable. Her voice was soft and nurturing. She was fit and energetic. A spotless home, a clean and healthy baby, and a loving husband who never needed to rescue her from stressful moments because there weren't any. This was what I expected of myself after we brought Tug home. And I was in for a rude awakening.
I learned quickly that as long as Tug was clean, healthy and happy everything else could wait. I remember crying the first week because I didn't have time or was too tired and sore to even shower. I refused Tyler's help or anyone's help for that matter. I wanted to do it by myself. I wanted to be Super Mom. Finally Tyler took Tug from me, and he made me shower and sleep. I reluctantly agreed but felt like a failure because I couldn't do it all. I remember crying on the bathroom floor and praying for some form of comfort and strength to do what only Super Mom could do. And then it hit me... As long as Tug was happy, in his eyes I WAS Super Mom.
I eventually learned that Tyler was more than willing to help out, as well as my mom and mother-in-law. And that it was OK to ask for help and take a break.
Being a mom is not quite what I imagined. Sometimes everything is one big mess. Sometimes I'm the big mess. And all the time I keep thinking how much I love Tug. So much more than I could ever imagine. But seeing those dimples remind me that I am Super Mom. Tug's Super Mom.
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