Crying it out

It's a good thing Saturday morning was so good. Because by Sunday night I had had it. Between getting sick, feeling like a failure because I had to have another IV (it was my goal to avoid it the rest of my pregnancy) the house was a mess and then Andrew spilled an entire giant bowl of Cheerios and milk all over my new dress. That triggered something in me and I lost it. 

I cried and cried. I cried because I'm tired. I cried because I hurt. I cried because I'm sick and overwhelmed and I just can't keep up. I cried because I hate being a working mom. I cried because I need a break. Tyler was on call for work so he wasn't home to witness my  breakdown. But Andrew saw the whole thing. And that made me feel even worse. I buried my face in my hands and just let it all out. 

Then I felt Andrew's tiny, chubby arms around my head. He rested his head on my shoulder and patted my back and softly started to sing in his baby talk. It's exactly what I do when he cries. And that made me smile. 

I pulled myself together and finished our routine: feeding, bath, story, songs and bed. By the time it was all done the only thing that made me want to cry was the fact I have to leave that perfect little boy in the morning so I can go count pieces of paper a million and one times, smile brightly at mean customers and hope and pray I don't throw up in the lobby.  

I am going to need my bright red lipstick and a good scripture before I take on this long week ahead. 

Blessings

This morning, at approximately 7:36AM I awoke to birds chirping just outside my window. The sun was casting a soft glow through the clouds as it inched over the mountain. Spring is coming to Maybrooke. 

Andrew was still asleep. And I was not about to wake him. I rolled over (which is quite a process at 34 weeks pregnant) and looked at Tyler's sweet sleeping face. He was scrunched in his usual tight ball with his blanket cocooned around him. I still don't know exactly how he manages to get his long 6ft 2in frame into such a tight ball. But it's the reason we have never been able to share a blanket in our two and a half years of marriage. We are both blanket-hogs.

Abbie was curled up at our feet, snoring softly. I was feeling the nausea start to take over as Benjamin began to squirm in my tummy. I shut my eyes and waited for it to pass. I love Saturday for this reason- I can go at my own pace. As I waited, I thought about my Friday night. Tyler and I had sat down to talk about a plan so that (hopefully) by the end of the year I will be able to be a stay-at-home mom. This thought made me so happy it brought tears to my eyes. I really hope it works out. 

I thought about how good life is. I'm the mother to a seriously cute little boy that I would do anything for. I am so proud to be Mrs. Tyler Furlong. I will soon deliver another son to sing to and read to. I have a dog. I have a small vintage house (seriously, 1950s!) that I love. Oh, how I love my house! 

And it struck me that this time last year I wasn't sure if I wanted to be living at all. I felt like everything was falling apart. But I held on. I pushed through. I want to shout to that dark place in my head, the part that held me prisoner and say, 

"LOOK AT ME NOW! Look at everything I have accomplished! I'm alive. And I'm happy! You were wrong. I CAN do this!" 

I smiled. It was such a happy moment. And then I rolled out of bed, took a sip of water and headed to the bathroom to throw it up. I do this because it puts something in my stomach to throw up other than nasty stomach acid. I took medications and just then I heard soft singing coming from Andrew's room. I opened the door and found him on the floor with a book in his hands, singing as he flipped through the pages. He dropped the book when he saw me and toddled over for a hug. Soon all I could think about were those dimpled cheeks and his chubby arms around my neck. 

He took my hand and led me to the kitchen and pointed to the toaster. He wanted me to make him our usual weekend breakfast- toast and honey. When did my baby get so big? I slipped on my apron and got to work while Andrew emptied my pots and pans from the bottom cupboard. 

So now he is happily eating breakfast while we listen to some of my favorite lullabies on our old-fashioned record player. I'm letting Tyler sleep in today. Hopefully we can make more homemade chocolate-covered strawberries. Even if this weekend gets crazy and turns out to be stressful and miserable, I'm so thankful for such a beautiful Saturday morning. Mornings like this recharge me. It's such a good reminder to count my blessings more often. 

My Post-Birth Plan

I started this blog as a way to help me share the reality and recovery of Postpartum Depression (PPD). I had heard of it before I had Andrew, but I thought it was something easily cured with some exercise and an attitude adjustment. 

Nothing could have prepared me for the storm that hit me.

 I had just had a baby. I should have been on cloud nine. I had every reason to be happy! Instead I was thrown into this dark, cold pit in a corner of my mind that I didn't even know existed. And it seemed that the harder I tried to climb out, the higher the walls got. 

I tried to hide it. And I thought I was doing a pretty good job. It's so easy to post a smiling face to Instagram and Facebook and say something creative. But those closest to me saw how badly I needed help. Tyler begged me to see my doctor. My mom gently suggested it multiple times. Even my boss at work pulled me aside to talk to me about it. And it wasn't until I caught myself fully ready to end my life that I finally caved. I didn't notice a difference when I started the medication. But everyone else saw a huge improvement. Tyler wrapped me in a tight hug and said, "Its so good to have you back!" 

And after a while, I was back. Thanks to A LOT of help and encouragement. But I was back. And it felt so good to finally smile at myself in the mirror and say, "I did it. I survived. I'm here. I WON. And I'm HAPPY!" I was living the life I had always wanted to live as a mother. I was thriving in my role, loving our new house and my wonderful Furlong boys. 

One day in late June we were all outside enjoying the sun. Andrew had on his Superman cape that is way too long for him and Tyler was tossing him dangerously high (a mother's exaggeration) as I watched from the porch. I reflected on how content we were in our Maybrooke home. And then I got the impression that someone was missing. It was like a spirit quietly tapping on my heart. "Don't forget me, mom." I told Tyler about it but we fully agreed that we wouldn't try for another baby for another year or so. 

Two months later I found out I was pregnant again, despite the pill I had religiously taken. Andrew was only 9 months old. It was too soon for me. "I can't do it again," I prayed out loud from the bathroom floor. I stared down at the four positive tests sitting neatly in front of me. They blurred through my tears. " I'm not ready. I don't think I can beat it again. I can't go back in the dark. I can't do this." 

I called Tyler and my mom to share the happy news and my fear of the depression. They both comfort and encouraged me, and Tyler gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing that night. I needed to be patient and all would be well. Benjamin was coming for a reason. And I loved him already. 

I have hard pregnancies with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG). And this pregnancy has been nothing like my first. But I have tried so hard to keep a positive attitude. I often play "The Glad Game" from one of my favorite childhood movies Pollyanna. But it was sometimes hard to find something to be glad about when I had to drag that darn IV pole to put Andrew in his crib screaming so I could clean up the hulk-green stomach acid and blood I had deposited in the hall- a failed attempt to get to the bathroom in time. 

As my HG has become manageable and I am able to function like a real mother again, I'm getting more and more excited for another baby. I am now 32 weeks and I recently started having nightmares about after Benjamin is born. About the depression. I wake up crying and shaking. I am absolutely terrified it will come back. I'm worried that this time it will be worse, or that this time I won't recover. It makes me wish I still had months and months of puking left to go. Tyler needs me. Andrew and Benjamin need me. And I can't be the wife and mother they need if I'm not mentally healthy. 

So, Tyler and I are writing a Post-Birth Plan. I don't write Birth Plans. They are kind of a joke in my family. (Just my personal opinion. There is nothing wrong with them.) But I love the idea of a Post-Birth Plan. It helps me feel more in control of what may or may not happen in the weeks following Benjamin's arrival. The best advice a friend and fellow PPD survivor gave me about PPD is to expect and prepare for it. 

Maybe I'm overreacting? Maybe everything will be just fine and I'll be perfectly happy. But as one who suffers from anxiety, it's good for me to feel prepared if things take a wrong turn. 

My Post-Birth Plan includes things like who to call when I need help or feel overwhelmed. Plans for me to sleep as much as I can to avoid severe exhaustion. Plans to go outside and get fresh air, walking to the park down our street, date nights, and things Tyler will do to help me along the way as much as he can. It includes a time line of things to watch for, signs that I need help. How long will I wait before seeking medical attention and the kind of medical care I wish to receive. 

A lot of things are going to be different about this birth. I'm determined to breastfeed (Exclusively pumping for six months again is not an option this time. I felt like a cow. It's all or nothing and I'm definitely giving it my all.) I'm determined to give myself time to heal and not expect a quick recovery. I'm determined to let myself rest instead if stressing about a messy bedroom. I'm determined to have the best attitude I can. 

I can't wait to see his face. Will he have red hair like Andrew? Dimples? Will he be long and skinny, like his dad? Or plump like his big brother? I can't wait to see Andrew hold him for the first time. I can't wait to feed him and sing to him and get a chance to enjoy the weeks as a newborn. It will be hard. I'm probably going to cry a lot. But that's ok. I will be ok. I know I am a daughter of God. I have worth. This is my calling. Every calling has trials. And there is no trial we can't handle. And that it is very ok to ask for help. I have support. I have faith. I am not alone. I CAN DO THIS! 

Six things to not say to a woman with Hyperemesis Gravidarum

After talking with a few other women I know with Hyperemesis, I have compiled a list of the worst things to say to a woman suffering with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. 

1. "Have you tried ginger?"

 (Or crackers, small meals, lemonade, prego pops, peppermint, sprite, motion sickness bracelets, acupuncture, etc.) I wanted to slap people who said this. I've tried it all. Do you really think I'd let myself get so sick and not try any of these? 

2. "You look awful today."

 (Or green, miserable, sick, etc.) This always hurt my feelings. I like looking nice. I love feeling pretty. And it was hard to do that when I couldn't stand the smell of makeup or hairspray, let alone stand long enough to do apply it properly without getting sick. 

3. "At least it keeps the weight off."

 No. This is so unhealthy and dangerous for you and your baby. So many things can happen, from your body aborting the baby to save itself to the umbilical cord collapsing from dehydration. And it is not fun at all. I'd rather pig out and get fat and happy pregnancies than 9 months of a miserable blur. 

4. "It should go away by 14 weeks." 

I remember people telling me this. They lied. Most women who have hyperemesis are sick past 14 weeks. Sometimes it gets better (I do better at about 20 weeks) but I am still nauseated and I still throw up until the day I deliver. Everyone is different. 

5. "I got sick too. I only threw up once or twice." 

Please don't talk to me until you are throwing up every 30 minutes and you start throwing up blood and pieces of the inner lining of your stomach. 

6. "It's all in your head."

 A man once said this. So when the man caught the stomach flu a few months later he was told the exact same thing. 

Christmas catch up

I woke up early Christmas morning (after staying up late with Tyler to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and set up the Christmas things). I slipped on my apron that I practically live in and began to make breakfast. My very first time ever making Christmas breakfast. My boys loved it.

 I soon heard Andrew calling for Tyler and so both my boys got up, eager to see what St. Nicholas brought. (Yes, I'm old fashioned and like to call Santa by St. Nicholas. I also call the Easter Bunny by the name of Peter Cottontail.) 

(Andrew leading Tyler out to see what St. Nicholas brought. I wish I had caught Tyler's tired but excited face.) 

After the stockings were emptied and the gifts unwrapped, we got ready to go to my in-law's home. I have been loving pearl earrings lately and Tyler surprised me with these perfectly elegant earrings. Aren't they darling?? Thanks hun! 

We had a grand time with my in-laws. A few highlights for me were things like watching Andrew play with his cousins, the vintage Winnie the Pooh books he got, a new flirty apron, a TON of Mary Kay makeup (If you know me, you know I like to feel pretty, and the stuff I got is NICE stuff!!! Especially compared to the cheap ELF brand I normally buy! I feel like a princess!) and....

WE GOT A KITCHEN AID!!! 

I've been begging Tyler for a Kitchen Aid since we got married. I've entered numerous contests to try to win one. I've saved recipes to try for when I did get one. And trust me, I've put it to good use already! I love love love it! I was so excited I cried when we opened it. Can I say I have the best in-laws ever?? Yes I can! 

We visited my grandmother a few hours. It brought back a flood of memories of picking candy canes off the tree and writing letters to Santa. And they even let Andrew play in the Christmas tree. It was so good to see my dear grandparents. 

Then we went back to my in-laws to talk to Jeaniece on her mission in Japan. She looked incredibly happy, and Andrew even walked for her. When we talk to her again on Mother's Day she will get to meet Mr. Benjamin. It's crazy to think I only have 3 months left before he gets here! 

Now the new year is here. I decorated the house in silver balloons and white streamers. I made homemade pizza (with my awesome kitchen aid!!!)

and slept in Tyler's arms until just before midnight when Andrew woke up with a stuffy nose. I got to kiss both my boys at midnight. Tyler has been my New Years kiss (the only guy I've ever kissed on New Years) for three years in a row. My next post will be about our New Years Resolutions and our 2014 family theme. 

Christmas Eve and tradition!

This Christmas Eve we spent some time with my dad's side of the family. I got to see my aunts, uncles and cousins I haven't seen since my wedding. They loved Andrew and were excited to hear we are expecting Benjamin. 

(My cousin, Joseph, holding Andrew. Joe is the oldest grandchild and Andrew is the oldest Great-grandchild.)

Then we went to my parent's house and exchanged gifts. For as long as I can remember, Santa's elves have left Christmas ornaments for us to hang on the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. This year we got ornaments from our favorite movies! (Captain America, Rapunzel and Buzz Lightyear.) 

Tyler's family has a different tradition. They give new pajamas on Christmas Eve. We love this tradition too, so we stuck to it! 

Andrew looked so cute. He didn't really understand what was happening, but he loved our excitement. 

My sister read us Christmas stories while a lovely recording of a fireplace cracked and popped merrily on the TV screen. Then we went home and Tyler read The Polar Express to Andrew before we tucked him into bed. (Another tradition!)

Then we got to work. At one in the morning, after watching "It's a wonderful life" while setting things up, we got to go to sleep. I used to wonder why my parents were so exhausted on Christmas morning. Now I know! 

St. Nicholas was here!!! 

Party time

I can honestly say that Drew's birthday party went a lot better than I thought it would! My AMAZING sister-in-law always throws the cutest parties for her boys and I've always wanted to be like her and throw cute parties too. But I ran into a few problems. 

1. I'm not super crafty or creative. 

2. We had a tight budget. 

3. My hyperemesis gets worse when I'm stressed or over work myself. 

I went to my mom's house in tears because I wanted so badly to have a nice party. I wanted Drew to have a good time, no stress and still be kinda cute. And just like any awesome mom, she calmed me down and within 15 minutes she was writing down simple ideas from Pinterest and Google and some she even came up with on her own. By the time I left I was feeling much better and even excited. 

(Samantha working on the cupcakes)

I spent a lot of time on the cupcakes. But I couldn't have done it without my sister. She basically did all the decorating with the cupcakes. I just showed her a picture of what I wanted and she did it like it was nothing. She is amazing. 

My in-laws allowed us to hold the party at their home and I'm incredibly thankful for that! 

120 Pigglets in a blanket later, and after showing up late to his own party because we forgot his presents, my nerves were really on edge. 

 

But everyone was very understanding and helped me set up. And I'd say the party was a real success. Drew had a blast. And I didn't cry or throw up. All went very well. 

Thanks to everyone who came and who helped! I couldn't have done it without you!!!