Social Anxiety

Today I went to the store. Just my two boys and me. My stomach was in knots as we pulled up but I HAD to do this. We needed food.

 I always park far away from the store for a few reasons. One: I'm healthy. Other people like the elderly, pregnant, grieving, and those with  varying types of illnesses need the closer spots more than I do. You never know what someone is going through. Plus, it's more exercise, and Drew likes to count the cars we pass on the way in. Two: I want to avoid tons of people and be able to pull out without stressing about hitting anyone or possibly having to talk to someone. 

I always sit in the car a minute and give myself a pep talk. Deep breaths and positive thoughts. We head in and we start shopping. I already want to go home. 

I always have a route planned in the store so we can get what we need and get the heck out of there. It irritates me to forget something and have to go back to a spot I had already been. My anxiety tells me people will think I'm suspicious or crazy. 

While in the cereal isle, Ben spots a box of his favorite cereal and reaches out to touch it. He knocks half the shelf off in the process. My face is beet red, and I quickly pick them up. My hands are shaking. I take a deep breath and keep going, but I can't seem to laugh it off. It replays over and over in my head. Which is incredibly irritating. At least no one threw a tantrum. That is worse. 

I head to the check out line, ready to just get it over with. If I can, I use the self check out (because there is no one to make painfully awkward small talk with), but it is usually packed, which makes me even more nervous, so I pick a short line and wait. I try to smile at the cashier and my hands shake. At this point my heart is beating fast. I start mumbling positive words to myself and I know I look funny but I'm trying to keep myself calm. Almost done... Almost done... 

I finally get everything bagged and paid for, and I walk quickly to the exit. Tears start to fall down my cheeks. That was close. If I start crying in the store it usually leads to a panic attack and then I have to abandon the cart and grab the boys before anyone sees. But I made it. I take deep breaths on my long walk back to my car. I feel like I've been holding my breath the whole time. 

I get everyone and everything loaded in the car. On the drive home I am mentally beating myself up. I feel very stupid. Why can't I shop by myself like a normal person? My stomach aches, and I am completely exhausted. But so thankful it's over. 

I know not everyone's social anxiety is this way, but this is how it is for me. I've started randomly crying or having a panic attack in several public places. A Halloween party last year was especially bad. Church, visiting friends, birthday parties, visiting my husband at his job, while at work, family parties, etc. Some days it doesn't bother me and I do great! Other days it is crippling and so hard. Which is why I don't go many places by myself unless someone I trust is with me. 

Which is why I'm about to see a doctor to get on medication to help me. I'm really excited to get better and be able to do things without anxiety controlling so much of my life. I know I won't be cured and will still have hard days. But I at least want it to be under control so I can function as normally as possible.